Friday, June 26, 2009

i wish someone really did read my blog..

because maybe if I had someone to actually talk to about my weight-loss misery, I wouldn't feel so damn CRAZY all the effin time!! Maybe it is just an effect from reading New Moon, but I'm starting to hear voices.

Ok, i'm not that crazy. Those voices are really just one. One voice that sounds eerily similar to my own (but with a much b-wordier tone, of course) that is constantly in the back of my head ruining everything. Just a few examples...

I tried my very hardest in my stretching/"relaxation" class. All those women are WAAAY older than you, WAAAY more flexible, and make you look pathetic.

I lost 1.4 lbs this week. That's it? You lost double that last week.

My total weight loss is 10.8 lbs, earning me my 5% sticker. You're still fat.

Coworker D said I looked like I was losing weight. Does that matter? You can't even tell, she's just being nice.

He (my boss) wasn't talking to/about me when he told her (annoying teenage girl who has no problem wearing her too short mini volleyball shorts but apparently self-conscious about her weight) when he said she would never being skinny. You know you'll never be skinny either. It's just a matter of time until you give up and gain all the weight back.

You don't even like GoodGuyFriend. Why does it bother you so much that he commented on those girls? It's one thing when he checks out cute girls. But if he (and pretty much every other guy you know) thinks the girls that look like they're 13 are so attractive, what chance do you have?

I got quite a bit of hugs this week. (And only a few were ackward!) No guy will ever love you or even settle for you.

Like I said, my subconscious is a B-word!

I have been such an emotional wreck lately. Watching this re-run on Oprah today didn't really help. There is just so feel so much anger, hurt, and fear. My weight problem may not be severe as some of these teenagers but I can definately identify with them and how they feel about themselves. I just think we all just want to be considered normal. That's pretty much my goal.

But on a more hopeful note. My 20th birthday is in 4 weeks and my goal is still attainable but going to require much more determination and disclipline on my part.

School begins in 10 weeks. I have another goal already in mind but I'll save that for when the first one is accomplished. I just hope certain opportunities arise when school starts and I'm at a more reasonable weight (and hopefully with a better self-esteem).

Grace and Peace, y'all!


Jess said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jess said...

I'm sorry to hear you're feeling emotional. It happens, but you know what? F*ck it. Stuff happens, and you are definitely good enough to be with a guy. It takes a lot of guts to take a good, hard look at your life and say, "I need to change something." It takes some major cahones to actually DO something about it, and you are! That's half the battle.

Keep chuggin' along. Things will get better when school starts again... I find it's a lot easier to stick to the plan when I have a structured day and I brown bag all my snacks and lunches.

You're doing well! Keep it up! And for what it's worth, you'll be waaaaay more flexible than those old ladies in a few short months if you stick with a stretching class like that.

John said...

You are not alone so many needs your blogs to read,to come out from their stress and find some love or encouragement for live life like me!I will read all your blogs and soon answer you.Life is very alone when you lost your love!so many in world lost their love,lets love them may be we feel complete!
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