The Truth

The truth is...I have been avoiding blogland lately. Well, kinda.
I have been keeping up with my normal daily reads (like the amazing Jess, who lost 4.8 this week! good job girl!!) I just havn't been wanting to post but i'm making myself. I get tons of random blog ideas to write about during the day, they just never seem to get from my brain to the screen.

Well, I did weigh in this week. I was down 2 lbs. My feelings toward it are ehh. I'm glad I was down but 2 lbs in 2 weeks isn't very good. I have about 3 lbs to get down in a week and half to be in the 180's by my birthday. I had great aspirations to help accomplish that, but as usual, those are easierly said than done. So far this week by food intake has been average. I havn't been eating the greatest food but I havn't been eating very much either (I think). I really havn't been working out too well since my time has been so limited. I've been getting a lot more walking time, but I always feel guilty about walking, like I should be running. Even when I did go the the gym on thursday night, I only felt like getting on the treadmill. (3 miles in 33 mins, thankyaverymuch :]) But then I felt bad that I didn't do any weight training.

Which seems to be my biggest problem....I always feel bad.

I have always had a problem with my body and self-esteem. To be completely honest, even if I was thin all my life, I think my self-confidence issues would still be the same, just easier to hide.

But anyways, I have a real problem seeing my own progress. I know the # on the scale is going down, but it's not going down fast enough. I see that my jeans are now way too big for me, but now I just see myself as frumpy. I feel like I can never win. And the only critic casting judgement is me. I'm hardest on myself, I know that..but I don't know how to stop.

A couple people (outside of my family) have noticed that I have lost weight and mentioned it to me. [Sidenote: i know it says I have lost only 12 lbs over there ---> but that is only my official # since I started WW. Really, I have lost about 25 lbs in 5 months -ish) I hate these conversations. I know these people care about me and have the best intentions but it still feels sooo ackward. I'm always polite and appreciative when these convos occur but my Mom wanted me to figure out why they bothered me so much. Well, there of course is the obvious: I can barely see it myself.
But I really thought about it and this is what I concluded: I hate the way I look and feel right at this moment and the idea that I was even bigger and looked even worse is the most depressing and disgusting thought.
I know that sounds horrible (trust me, I do, my mom almost cried when I told her) but it's how I feel. This should probably motivate me, but it really doesn't. ( I said I was going to be honest.) My self-esteem issues probably won't go away when the weight does, but I don't see them going away until I lose the weight either. And the truth really is..

Hi, I'm B, and I think I hate myself.